I'm not in a happy mood today. If you don't feel like ruining your day buy reading something emo-ish, I suggest you don't read this.


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Some would say that "hate is a kind of love and love is a kind of hate." But.... in his presense my heart is filled with hatred, love and admiration. Soon, it became insane by the flame of hate.

Honestly, right now, all I can fully remember with great detail about my past is the time when I net this man whose gentleness started a small fire within me. I was drawn in without noticing it nor do I know why. I admire him so much for some unknown reason. Then, that admiration became something more...

Though in the depths of my heart, I know what he sees me as merely an "option". I shoved that thought away and continued to love this man that masked himself with such gentleness.

I know all those sweet words are bunch of bullshited lies. I know that deep inside, he's mean-spirited and takes pleasure in causing pain.

Yet, I ask myself, when he held me so gently and warmly, is all just arbitrary?

Hahaha............

I don't really know now.... and somehow, I feel like I don't want to care if it's all just sweet lies.... if it's all just an illusion.

Why?

Because, I'm such a friggin' idiot who knowingly seeked for his sick and twisted kindness.

If only I could hate this man who does nothing but play his sick games with my heart... I probably wouldn't have ended up falling into so much madness and so much pain.

I'm not really sure if this is love or hatred... one things for sure, this weak heart of my mine will follow that man til the ends of the earth.